If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
