i don't like sucking hair
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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