Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize