I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
