When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
