I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
