i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
