I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
