We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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