Actions speak louder than pants.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
