I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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