you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
