Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
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