Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
