I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
