sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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