There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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