True but thats because hes a fetus.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
