Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
