he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
