when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
