White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
