What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
