i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
