I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
4 words: hood of his car
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
