So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
soo... how was my night?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
