i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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