Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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