my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
