Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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