She's like a pop up book from hell.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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