I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
