My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
