Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My balls are so social today.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
