My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
