is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
