im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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