You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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