you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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