bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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