When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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