I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
