90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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