she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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