You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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