Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
