allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize