were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Holy sore nipples Batman
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
