so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
