People in love make me want to vomit
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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