remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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