Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
