I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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