I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
