He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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