I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
