the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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