So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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