Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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