I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
